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Victoria posted on March 13, 2013 15:35
Freud said that that love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. These two areas of our lives create our triumphs and our failures, our heaven and our hell. We experience courage, humility, anger, joy, frustration and surrender through these two domains. People will often come to see me because they are unhappy in love or unhappy in their career. In fact relationships and sense of purpose (work/career) are two of the components of happiness, the third is pleasure.
Clients may say to me that "I'm not in love with them anymore, but I do love them". It makes me wonder what do we mean when we use the word love. It's often used as a noun, a state of being and I think that definitely describes "in love". It feels wonderful but like all feeling experiences, it fluctuates and changes just like the tides, just like the moon, just like the seasons. As much as we would like to hold on to that feeling state, it's inevitable that it will slip from our grasp.
When we are in the heady, intoxicated experience of being in love where we idealise the other person, and extol their virtues, it's actually us falling in love with ourselves through them as the mirror. You see it's impossible to really experience how you are in the world, without the reflection of other people. When we really open ourselves up to someone we show them all of us and then thrill in the response back. That response is about us, not really about them. The experience of falling in love and having all our wonderfulness reflected back is the opportunity to develop self-love. It's the chance to really allow in the idea that you are lovable and adorable and intelligent and beautiful. Not because they say you are, but because its clear from how they are relating to you that that is all true.
Now if you can translate that experience of being in love into self-love then you have a solid foundation to love another person. Self-love means taking care and responsibility of yourself, respecting yourself and getting to really know yourself, both your strengths and weaknesses. Self-love means caring enough to take time for yourself, to nurture your dreams and aspirations and giving yourself permission to go for what you really want. Many clients who talk to me about their partners not committing, struggle with self-love and I will challenge them on this. How can you expect someone else to commit to loving you, when you won't commit to doing that for yourself? Relationships built on someone else being responsible for loving you don't work. In fact I would say not taking responsibility for yourself is often the source of a lot of misery, in and out of relationships.
Now truly loving another person and being loved in return requires committed action. It's not just a feeling state. It means behaving as love, even when you are annoyed with them or even when they have hurt your feelings. It doesn't mean that you behave like a doormat but it involves all elements of self-love - care, responsibility, respect and knowing. If you love another person, then you act in ways that are caring, respectful and responsible. You want to know what matters to them, what their dreams are and you support them to achieve their dreams, even if its doesn't directly benefit you. Love also means accepting the other person the way they are, their flaws, their strengths, their vulnerabilities and their idiosyncrasies. It's knowing them so well that you know all their tender spots and even when you are angry, you refusing to wound them in those places you know will hurt them. That kind of love takes tenderness and it takes time to grow and develop but it's the difference between a beautiful rose which lasts a few days when it's placed in a vase and a beautiful oaktree which is solidly grounded in the earth and endures through all the seasons of life. One is gone in a matter of days, the other can last a lifetime.
If you want more support with going from sexy and single to happy in love, may I humbly suggest you attend my latest seminar The Secrets to Love on the 24 March, book your place now.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information, please click here to join her community. You will receive her regular E-letter Creating Happiness, her FREE E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life and the latest news on products and seminars. Want to get started now? Call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on March 04, 2013 18:25
One of the most common reasons clients come and see me is either to discuss problems with their existing relationship or because they are single and really want to be in a relationship. So today I am just talking to all those single women who really want to be in a relationship. If that's not you, please read on anyway because I may be talking about a friend of yours who might get a lot out of this information.The big unanswered question that these gorgeous, successful women want to know is, why am I still single even though everyone says I'm really great? They then tell me that the people they end up going out with end up don't seem very attentive or that they end up leaving them for another person. They feel hurt and rejected. They start to wonder what is wrong with me, how come relationships just don't seem to work out for me?
Firstly to all those single woman (and it's the same for all the single men), I want to say that while you are the common factor in these relationships that don't last, it's not because there is something wrong with you. The belief system you have at the moment, that there is something wrong with you and that you are a failure at relationships, is what's causing you the pain. The relationship you have with yourself is the best predictor of the sort of person you will attract as a partner, so if you are beating yourself up for not being good enough, then maybe that's why you are attracting guys who are not so nice. The more lovingly and kindly you treat yourself, the more likely it is that you will choose to go out with a good person rather than the ones you have been dating.
Getting clear on what you want and what you don't want is critical. Start the process by writing a list of all the qualities of your ideal partner - not just the superficial stuff, but things like how they will treat you, stuff you'll do together, their values etc. Then, when people come along that do not fit your wish list, let them go! More will come along and they will be even better. Learn to value yourself enough to be discerning about whom you choose to date.
If you want more support with going from sexy and single to happy in love, may I humbly suggest you attend my latest seminar The Secrets to Love on the 24 March, book your place now.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information, please click here to join her community. You will receive her regular E-letter Creating Happiness, her FREE E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life and the latest news on products and seminars. Want to get started now? Call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on February 11, 2013 20:05
I just spent a few hours watching an advance copy of the new ABC1 TV series Making Couples Happy, which is the follow-up series to Making Australia Happy which screened in 2010. I have worked on both series as a consultant. In Making Couples Happy which starts on Thursday 14th February at 8:30pm, 4 couples who are in distress are taken through a program of happiness and relationship interventions based on research and practice based evidence. I was struck by a comment one of the participants made about how making the changes was hard and it was easier to just keep doing the same thing. I hear that a lot - that change is hard and it's easier to stay the same. I am not entirely convinced by that perspective, but what I will say is that easy isn't always good and that the status quo doesn't always make you happy. In fact hanging on to the same old is usually due to a factor called resistance, something you see a lot in therapy and any kind of personal development work, where we avoid moving or changing despite saying that we want those changes. Sometimes it's completely unconscious and you notice clients who have all the excuses in the world for not taking action or who conveniently forget commitments they have made. This is part of the growth process, sometimes we need a bit of struggle or to repeat a pattern a few more times before we have no alternative but to change.
When did we get so obsessed with easy, quick-fix, bandaid, one-size-fits all answers to long term patterns of behaviour? You see this with everything from weight loss to relationships to career to creating wealth. We want all these things but we are not willing to put in the time, dedication, love and commitment required to attain all these things. I am working with a client who is 35 who has left a successful career in advertising because he wasn't fulfilled by it. He told me he knew there was something else he wanted to do. He told me that he has always wanted to be an actor and he is taking acting classes but putting in no effort. He turned up at his last class, unprepared and he performed really badly. When I explored this dream of acting and asked him how he envisaged spending his days, it involved swanning about in LA having meetings with a hot girlfriend on his arm and a Porsche in his driveway. There was no actual acting in his fantasy, just the assumed benefits from being a successful actor.
His dream told me he wanted to be wealthy, with lots of free time and beautiful things. If he really wanted to be an actor, then he would be actor even if he wasn't getting paid for it. When you are passionate about something, you tend to actually do it, regardless of the reward. He then went on to talk about how things had always come easily to him, that he had inherited some property, always done well in work and to be fair he was still doing well in his new career in sales. Once I dug a little deeper, I found that his dream of acting revolved around a film idea he had, where he played the main character. He had had this idea for 15 years and had even started writing a screen play but he claimed that it was hard to sit down and write. He enjoyed writing and did it a lot and well throughout his career and had even won an award for his writing. When I talked to him about writing, he said it was hard to sit down for a few hours and do it.
I totally agree. I love writing when I'm doing it but when I'm not I have a million excuses not to do it. Like him, I fobbed it off by saying I'm too lazy. The reality is that its not always easy to write. Just like its not easy to be a heart surgeon, or a teacher, or a professional athlete, or an actor, or a parent or a wife or husband. It takes commitment, dedication, time, love, and passion. Sometimes you don't feel like it. Sometimes it's painful. Sometimes it will challenge you to go beyond your limits and stretch you to breaking point. No it's not easy. But you sure as hell feel alive and while the journey may be long and at times scary, the rewards both external and internal are priceless.
So with my client, I asked him, if you continue to do nothing about this, what will happen in 10 years time? He said, we will be having this same conversation if I don't do something about this now. And he's right. So if you have big dreams, then the key to achieving them is taking action. Even if it's difficult. Taking action towards our dreams makes us feel good. The easy path is like fast food. Not very fulfilling and you are still hungry an hour later.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on October 29, 2012 18:29
I have been in a very interesting space of late. I find that being my identity that which I have worn for most of my life to make sense of and get through life - no longer feels so compelling. In fact it feels like it doesn't fit anymore - like an skirt that looked good in the shop - but now just doesn't go with anything else in your wardrobe. So in the absence of that identity defining who I am, which helped me make decisions on everything from how I respond to emails to the food I eat, the clothes I wear and the relationships I have, what on earth do I do? When you are someone who loves to do and know, to take action, to find yourself in a place where you are not sure what you want to do, it can be uncomfortable. Disconcerting at times. Anxiety provoking at others. An empty, blank space of nothingness. In fact I have gone to write this blog several times over the past month or so but when confronted by not knowing, have avoided doing it.
I have always been a seeker of knowledge. I truly am one of those people who loves learning, is curious about the world and loves to share that knowledge with others. However there will often be times when I don't know something - about myself, about life, about someone else. This can often be an uncomfortable place for me to sit. I haven't always liked not knowing. It frustrates me, and it makes me seek even more knowledge or answers from other people, experts, books, courses, meditate more and so on. As if, if looking a little harder or searching a little further, will bring me the answer. The seeking becomes my way to avoid the discomfort of not knowing. It looks really productive and positive but it's actually avoidance of being present with and accepting of the not knowing.
You see as soon as you are unwilling to accept a part of yourself, whatever that may be, it means that you put a judgement on it. You are looking at yourself throught a right/wrong filter which is a limited way of seeing yourself. It doesn't mean that this part of ceases to exist, for example, me not knowing things still exists even if it's unacceptable to me. What does happen though, is that your suffering around it increases. It creates greater resistance, anxiety, stress and so on. Anything that you are unwilling to accept, requires a massive amount of effort. It's like trying to hold back the tide, you won't actually succeed in doing it but you will be exhausted and eventually overcome by the effort.
So if you can be OK with not knowing, it allows you to open up to greater creativity that goes beyond what you already know. You see when you know, it means there is a limit, or a boundary. When you know, there is right and wrong, black and white, true and false. There are rules, restrictions, expectations. Not knowing acknowledges that there could be possibilities way beyond what you could even imagine. And that's kind of cool really.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on September 06, 2012 16:48
If your answer to my question is no, then you are the one I wrote this blog for. If you said yes and feel guilty about it, then you also could benefit from reading on. I attended the annual Hay House I Can Do It conference a few weeks ago and there was a great session on Extreme Self-Care by a woman called Cheryl Richardson. She talked about self-care being more than burning essential oils and having massages - I have a client who refers to these as yuppie self-care. Cheryl was saying that if you are not disappointing people on a regular basis, then you are not taking really good care of yourself.
I have hated disappointing people in my life, in fact, I would have done anything to avoid disappointing people. You see I know what it's like to be disappointed. It hurts. I don't like hurting people so therefore for a long time, I spent a lot of effort avoiding disappointing other people. I did a pretty good job too or so I thought. I was reliable, the friend you could count on, the boss that would support you, the person that would deliver the project, the result on time and exactly in the way that it was meant to be delivered. However this came at a big price. It came at the price of my own health and wellbeing. I consistently found that I was neglecting my needs, that there was no time for what I needed or wanted.
So I have realised there could be some benefit in disappointing others. Not because you are trying to deliberately disappoint someone. Not at all. It's simply that through you being the unique, fabulous you and you taking excellent care of that fabulous self, other people might be disappointed. Miffed. Nose out of joint. It means that maybe you are not being the you that they want you to be. For them. We teach other people about they can expect from us, if you are the go to person for everything when you stop doing that people will notice. And they might not like it. If they truly want what's best for you though, they'll get over it. And if they don't, maybe they are not the best people to surround yourself with. It sounds like an one-way relationship with you doing all the giving.
This is about creating boundaries - at an emotional level and can be tough to put into action. Saying no to someone else may not be easy but it means you are actually saying yes to a part of you. No is one of the most liberating words to add to your vocabulary. You see by you not disappointing others, by not saying no, the one who always ends up disappointed is you. And your life is about you being you. Without apology, shame or guilt. There is nothing wrong with you putting the oxygen mask over your face, before helping others. That's actually when you really start to help, because then you lead others by your own example.
Notice the times when you find yourself shifting, changing, accomodating, avoiding, not saying in order prevent someone else being disappointed. And just stop. Catch yourself, and ask is this in my highest good? Does this serve me? Make me happy? Cultivate my health and wellbeing? If you answer no to any of these, then maybe you need to say no to them and yes to you.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on August 06, 2012 14:49
Feeling angry? Resentful?
Tired or worn out? Upset about work?
Disappointed in your relationship or lack of one?
Feeling like it's all about everyone else and never about what you want?
Wondering when it's going to be your turn?
These are signs that you may not be getting your needs met in one or more areas of your life. When we are not getting our needs met, we may find ourselves taking out these feelings on the people in our life or perhaps playing out these feelings at work. Its important to pay attention to these feelings and to take responsibility for them. No one else or no external situation makes you feel that way. The responsibility lies with you - so these feelings come up as a way of getting our attention and letting us know that we have lost sight of ourselves. It's tempting to want to point the finger outwards but remember, three fingers are still pointing back at you and you are the only one that can do anything about this.
So what can you do about this?
1. Acknowledge what feelings you are having. Accept and express them to yourself to begin with, by writing them down. Feelings come up to be expressed and acknowledged and if we keep ignoring or blocking them, they just hang on and get more intense until we address them.
2. Recognise what these feelings are saying to you. What is this feeling saying to you about how you are looking at things in your life. For example, if you feel taken for granted at work this is a sign that you need to look at your boundaries. If you are not valuing you, then you can't expect others to value you. If you are feeling overwhelmed, then maybe you have taken too much on and need to ask for help.
3. Drop the blame game. It's good to get clear on whether you are blaming others for your current situation. Be honest and look at the part you are playing. The more you continue to blame others, the more you get caught up in being victimised and powerless. Is that really how you want to live your life? Take back control of driving your life, it's up to you not anyone else.
4. Get calm and back to centre. Do something that helps you feel calm and connect back to yourself. This might be a walk in nature, playing with a dog, exercise, meditation, dancing or something else. When you feel calmer and more "yourself" it's much easier to get clarity on what you need to do.
5. Take action. Once you have clarity about what's going on for you, take action consistent with that awareness. This might involve a conversation, making changes in your schedule, making a decision at work. If we don't change what we do, then we can't expect the situation to change. By taking action we are valuing and nurturing our own needs rather than continue to ignore them.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2) 8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on July 10, 2012 07:23
When was the last time you had fun, with no purpose, no agenda, no intended outcome other than just to enjoy yourself? Just played like children and animals do, for the joy of being alive? Maybe you think that play is kid's stuff or you are too busy or worse too important! Maybe play has slowly slipped off your agenda as you have gotten overwhelmed by the stress of life, deadlines, financial pressures and family commitments. We think we don't have time for that frivolous stuff and perhaps we don't see the value.
Play serves a number of important functions for adults. Firstly it improves your mood and makes you smile and laugh. All of these mean you have more feel good chemicals released in your brain, so that physiologically you are happier and more positive. Secondly it creates a relaxation response, which switches off the fight or flight stress response we get that means werun on adrenalin. The more relaxed we are, the more able we are to pay attention, concentrate, learn, remember, plan and complete complex tasks. Play supports our brains to work better. Further, play helps us engage with the world creatively through our right brain, where new ideas, solutions, imagination, art, music are all generated.
According to the National Institute For Play in the US, "play is the gateway to vitality, it is uniquely and intrinsically rewarding. It generates optimism, seeks out novelty, makes perseverance fun, leads to mastery, gives the immune system a bounce, fosters empathy and promotes a sense of belonging and community. Each of these play by-products are indices of personal health, and their shortage predicts impending health problems and personal fragility."
So incorporating play into your life on a regular basis can contribute to your physical, mental and emotional wellbeing. To help you get started, here are some some suggestions:
- Visit a playground - slide down a slippery dip, climb on the monkey bars and use the swings - who cares who's watching!
- Spend time with animals - hangout with your dog, cat, rabbit, ride horses, visit the zoo, snorkel with fish. Nothing like animals to ignite your sense of wonder and play.
- Pull out the boardgames at your next family/friend get together. Scrabble, Monopoly, cards, UNO are a great to unwind and create fun connections with your loved ones
- Move your body! Whether it's kicking a ball around in the park, dancing, surfing, running, skipping, ice-skating, riding a bike - doing physical activity that's fun is a great way to feel good emotionally and physically.
- Experiment with paint, crayons, clay, drawing or colouring in. Using any of these art mediums is a great form of expression and stress relief. Let go of judgements about creating a final product and enjoy the process of art.
- Try something new. Whether it's visiting a musuem, the aquarium or learning a new skill like rock climbing, pottery, or singing, new experiences stimulate your senses and make you feel more engaged and present.
- Be playful in your relationship. Flirt, try new things, go to new places and break out of routines. Create the sense of newness and fun that was present in your early interactions.
If you need more support with taking these strategies on board, call my office on 61 2 8458 3352 to book a time for me to work with you individually.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2)8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on June 25, 2012 07:30
A thread that runs through all of my work is working with your inner child. You see our early years set up our emotional and mental templates that we relate to the world through. Some of these are even pre-verbal and they are largely unconscious - that is - you don't even realise they are driving your thoughts, feelings and behaviour. However these powerful patterns are often seen throughout our lives and may result in self-sabotage, procrastination, and self-doubt.They can undermine our abilities to sustain relationships, move forward in our career, support ourselves financially and experience a sense of steady joy or contentment.
To live in the world is to experience hurt and suffering, just as it is to experience joy and wonderment. When we are born we come into the world with a sense of presence and innocence, you only need to spend time around babies and toddlers to get a sense of this. However, invariably our innocence is lost and we fall from grace when we experience our first wounding. These events which occur in our early relationships with our parents or carers set up our template for relating the world. These may not seem to be significant events perhaps to an external observer, it is not necessarily abuse or neglect. However these early woundings often create the core patterns of feeling unloved or not good enough, which run like a thread through our lives.Some emotional need of the child cannot be expressed and received in the world and so it gets locked in the psyche.
As this is often unconscious, for it to heal and be integrated it needs to be expressed out in the world. So it manifests in patterns of behaviour like relationships that leave us feeling abandoned, overeating or drinking to fill or numb our inner emptiness. When someone comes to my office complaining of some symptom or problem eg procrastination, jealousy, overeating, a problematic relationship, then I consider: This behaviour makes sense at some level. What is this behaviour trying to communicate and express into the world? This child consciousness or inner child still lives within us and if we can allow this wounded aspect to come out from the shadows of our unconscious and we can be present with it and welcome it, rather than dismiss or avoid it, than those symptoms or behaviours will tend to dissipate.
You see our early wounds set up the development of our sense of self. Perhaps we learn to be a "good" boy or girl, in order to get love or that we need to smart or funny or clever or some other way of being in order to feel loved or good enough. Invariably these ways of being become limiting and cause us to feel trapped with this self we have created - we experience growing pains and these present as "symptoms or issues". Just as the wounds are connected to our inner child consciousness so are our great gifts and talents. There is great wisdom and truth to be learned from our inner child, particularly with regard to living your life purpose.The seeds of your own greatness are there in your early years - you may have forgotten them or shut them away in order to survive, but the seeds still lie waiting ready for your care and nurture to grow into the world.
So if you think your inner child may be creating havoc in your life, then what can you do about it?
1. Listen to your body. Pay attention to persistent thoughts, feelings and body sensations. This is how your unconscious communicates to you - through your body. Ask yourself, what is trying to come to life through these recurring experiences?
2. Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings. In particular when you notice strong emotions or you are sabotaging yourself in some way, sit quietly and write down what is going on for you. You will begin to see common connections and your inner self will feel acknowledged and valued.
3. Meditate. Through regular meditation you can go past your limited conscious mind and access your unconscious. It is here that you can connect with the child consciousness and find out what is going on for you. If you find this hard to do on your own, you may like to purchase Inner Child guided meditation download here.
4. Be kind and loving with yourself. These behaviours even if they are self-destructive and unhelpful are at their core an attempt at self-love and to keep you safe. Try to be gentle with yourself and love yourself regardless of the mistakes you make along the way. It is unconditional love that your inner child needs - not more criticism or judgement.
5. Get support. There is only so much healing you can do on your own, with inner child work it is about having someone hold the space of unconditional love and non-judgement for you. It is something that takes time and tenderness, so finding someone you trust that can guide and support you in a professional manner will be something you will need at one point or another in order to completely integrate this part of yourself.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2)8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on June 12, 2012 07:44
Dear readers, I feel like I have fallen back in love with life and that I am totally in love with myself. That may sound a bit odd to you and like I have the dreaded "tickets on myself". To be honest, growing up in Australia that was often the worst possible insult at school. "She loves herself" was never a compliment and it wasn't one that I got accused of very often. In fact I don't think I ever really was in love with myself back then. Only in hindsight, do I look back fondly at the younger me - clever, funny and big 80s hair - with fondness. At the time I couldn't see that I was kind of adorable. So I offer my views on the benefits of being in love with yourself and offer you some suggestions on how to do it.
Self-love gets a bit of press these days, in fact I talk about it all the time. The reason why is that your relationship with yourself is the foundation for your relationships with others. If you feel a lack of respect, or regard, or connection with others then I would invite you to examine the level of respect, regard and connection you have with yourself. Can you remember a time when you were totally in love? Head over heels, besotted, infatuated with someone or something? You couldn't think about anything else and you just wanted to spend time with your love. You hung on their every word, made mix tapes for them (for Generation Y, there used to be these things called cassettes that you could record songs on bit like a playlist on your IPOD), complimented them. It didn't really matter what you did - you just wanted to do it with them.
It's the way that you felt when you were with them and it's also the reflection of you in their eyes which is so exciting and intoxicating. So that experience actually resides in you - not in them. They are really a mirror to your own fabulousness and you can have that experience, even without them. After all, if you are not in love with yourself, why would anyone else be? So if you want a more loving relationship, greater success in business or career, better health or to find a really great relationship, it starts with you. You see when you are in love with yourself, that energy radiates out to the world and you start getting it from others too. Life also feels brighter and infinitely more precious. It's like songs you hear were written just for you, you see children playing as delightful rather than annoying and noisy - your perception of life shifts and you feel much happier.
So here's how to start falling in love:
1. Identify the experiences you love and give them to yourself. Maybe it's a bubble bath with candles, the best quality chocolate, a walk in the rain, a movie in the middle of the day, taking the papers to bed on a Sunday morning, horseriding, reading the latest bestseller. Treat yourself with these things on a regular basis.
2. Speak words of love. When you're in love, you focus on the great qualities of the beloved rather than what's wrong. You give compliments and comment on what you liked about their behaviour. When was the last time you gave yourself a compliment or acknowledged how wonderful you are? Try speaking 3 positives for every negative comment you make to yourself - and watch yourself start to glow with the praise.
3. Spend time with yourself. When you are in love, there is nothing else more important. The loved one goes to the top of the priority list. Lavish quality time and attention on yourself - doing things you love, rather than putting everyone else's needs ahead of yours. There's no resentment of others when you are in love.
4. Be fiercely protective. When you are in love, you can't bear to hear the beloved be criticised or attacked by others, you want to rush in and defend them.When you are truly in love with yourself, you don't give away your time, resources, power to people who don't appreciate you or worse are mean to you. You let them go and focus on people who cherish and value you as much as you do yourself.
5. Do what's meaningful. Nothing makes you feels more valued or important than doing what matters to you, what you gives a feeling of meaning and purpose. It's unique to you and really be anything at all from sailing, spending time with animals, sewing, working with a charity, creating art, the list is endless. It's about following your passions - this will make your soul feel cherished and special. Which it is!
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2)8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
Victoria posted on May 28, 2012 08:02
This blog is a week late you know. Confession time - I have been procrastinating! I was waiting for inspiration to strike and despite knowing that you actually need to take action to break the stranglehold of procrastination, I haven't felt like doing it. Worse I was waiting for a miracle to happen in my business - for something to happen from the outside to motivate me to get into action. A miracle of sorts did arrive - I got more and more miserable until I asked for help and talked to friends about it. Their patient and supportive listening helped me take just one step forward and it made me realise that there was someone who could save me - me!
It got me thinking that sometimes we live more in a fantasy world then we are willing to admit. It's why we hold things close to our chest and not share them because by telling others the balloon starts to burst and we begin to wake-up out of our delusion. We live in the world through our beliefs and stories about how the world is, rather than how the world actually is. Now I'm a big one for creating your own reality and having a positive, supportive mindset, which is about taking responsibility for your own thoughts, reactions and behaviour. That doesn't mean that you pretend that things are actually better than they are or worse that they are.
However, I've noticed that we human beings have a tendency to either minimise things that we don't really want to deal with or magnify some small problems until they become bigger than Ben-Hur. Either option leaves you powerless because you are not dealing with life as it actually is - you are living in your story of life. By living in a fantasy world, it means you are living in that mythical place that therapists refer to as denial and while you live there, nothing will change.
What are the signs you are living in a fantasy world?
- You want financial freedom but your only strategy is winning Lotto
- You eat, drink or take drugs to silence your feelings
- You buy all the books and attend all the courses, but nothing changes
- Other people are to blame for your life
- You hang on to a relationship or a job that is making you unhappy, hoping that one day it or the other person will change
- You feel bored, lethargic and tired about life
- You go through highs of enthusiasm quickly followed by slumps in energy
- You talk about how important your health and happiness but you don't devote any time to this
- You say you want X, but you don't do anything about it
If this sounds like you, and we all go through phases of living in fantasy and denial, then what do you do about it?
1. Get real with yourself. Focus on the area of your life eg finances, health, relationships and look at it objectively. If I keep going the way I am, is this going to get me the results I want? Will I be happy if nothing changes? What's the likely future, if nothing changes? Can I live with that?
2. Enlist support. Talk to a friend or maybe someone independent about this situation your dealing with. Another person if they are not too involved with the situation can be an objective sounding board and often will point out where you may be kidding yourself.
3. Take action. Taking even one action step like keeping track of what you spend if you're in financial fantasy land or going for a walk if you have been neglecting your health has an enormous benefit. It grounds you in the reality of your life, its tangible and measurable. After taking one step forward, it makes it easier to make the next, and then the next step. Small steps taken often produces the biggest results.
4. Acknowledge the little steps of progress. As someone said to me this week, "don't be a bitch to yourself!" Be fair to yourself and stop to acknowledge what you are doing and the progress you are making. Getting real, doesn't mean being critical or judgemental of yourself. Praise yourself for the time, care and effort you are taking.
5. Notice the payoffs. What are the benefits or advantages of being in fantasy land? There are always some gains for doing this so get clear on what they are because they are what will maintain this behaviour. We keep doing behaviour because there is some reward for it, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. Being aware of what your payoffs are, makes it easier to make a conscious choice to be in your life as it is, rather than the fantasy version.
Victoria Kasunic is a psychologist, speaker, author, and media consultant, and provides a sassy, modern, practical approach to living the life you want. She is the Go to Girl to impact you to Be Who You Are, No Matter What! For more information about how you can work with Victoria please visit her website at www.victoriakasunic.com to download her free E-Book 5 Steps to a Happier Life or call her staff on +61 (2)8458 3352 to book a session that will change your life for the better.
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